A few nights ago, I slept for a total of three hours. I worried about storage, foreign bank accounts and the family I would be leaving in San Diego to pursue God’s call to Malawi. I thought about the tears I hid from my nieces a week earlier while repeatedly explaining to them that they would not be able to walk to Africa to visit their aunt and uncle. Then I thought about how I always seem to sleep less and get a bit sick right before a big change. Before I knew it, the annoying but familiar alarm told me it was time to stop lying awake in bed and instead get up and get on with the day. It didn’t matter whether I lie on my back or stand upright, both tasks would be done in a sleepy daze.
A chronically busy-mind never ceases to be my worst enemy. Yet in the middle of little sleep and packing our lives into a 10×10 storage unit and the four bags that we are taking to Malawi I have found moments of overwhelming joy and peace. Sharing stories with former youth group students who have become great friends while making storage unit runs, having our small group lay hands on us and pray for our journey, sitting with my uncle at a Padres game in a luxury box that he and my aunt won and waking up crying on our last morning in the condo we have lived in for five and a half years has brought on an odd mix of emotions.
It has hit me. We are leaving; moving to another country that is very different from what we are used to. It is refreshing and scary. A change we are looking forward to, but one we are terrified of—an odd mix indeed. But this week, as our small group was sending us out in prayer, our good friend Bernie asked God to be in the middle of the things that seem small, big and HUGE. While we were being prayed for, the reality of God’s sovereignty and intricate involvement in our lives was something I could not ignore. Hailey and I are stressed in a way we have never experienced. I know in my head that God is in control, but the sinking feeling in my gut has only led to confusion in my heart. But God is Lord over confusion too. Scripture is relentless with telling us to not lean on things we understand, which is grand because I understand so little. Yet, for some reason I still allow my mind to wander when I should be sleeping. God is in control, in the small, big and HUGE. Thanks for that reminder Bernie.